Steve's World

I never even got a chance

2010-09-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, all too often, life-altering events happen and it makes people sit back and reflect. For me lately, not too much has been going on, so I haven't wanted to write anything. Until now. I just found out that a very special person passed away. Allow me to share my story of just how special she was. Back around late May/early Jun 1992, while I was dating Karen Hughes, I let my judgment get the better of me (a recurring theme in my life), and I started a fight with my mom. Initially, I just thought it was a typical fight until I was thrown out of the house. As I sit back and think about it, it was deserved. But at the time, I was devastated. I really had no where else to go. My sister was nearly 8 months pregnant with twins, so I couldn't burden her, so I thought in my head. So as I sat there sobbing on the couch of the Hughes' home, Mrs. Hughes offered me a place to stay. This was despite the fact that Linda (Karen's older sister) was being put out of her room. Mrs. Hughes was truly a lifesaver at the time. She took me in even if it meant a sacrifice for her own family. This has never left my memory. Now, the last time I saw her was in August of 1993. I remember it vividly. I just returned home from my Air Force training and had 14 days before I was leaving for Japan. One day during this period, I put on my uniform and drove over to her house to show her what I had become. For those who know me...before joining, I was a college drop-out selling shoes for a living. For a 21 year old, that isn't a great career path to start on. Anyway, I remember seeing her and she seemed proud. I do remember thanking her later on for her generosity in a letter, but I never had the chance to thank her personally. Time went on and I moved on to far away places. But I always held her in high regards and still do. But alas, I am saddened tonight because now I will never get the chance, because I just found out she passed away. I hope someday, if given the chance, I can pay it forward and help someone when they are down without hesitation. This is the example I was shown, not only my my parents, but by Mrs. Hughes...a truly remarkable woman.

One Man Road Trip

2010-05-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

Road trips are great experiences; when you're with others. However, what exactly inspires someone to take a road trip, solo? I mean, 8-9 hours in a car, by yourself, is not the best of times, conversation wise. Now, I have a theory, and I hope no one takes offense to this but it's based on nearly 18 years of service. There are no stronger bonds, outside of marriage or love (the two not always tied to one another), than those forged when serving alongside others in the military. I'm not saying there aren't strong friendships made in the civilian workforce. All I'm saying is that once some dude leaves the company you work in and 13 years later he gets promoted, are you going to drive 900 miles for a 30 minute ceremony? I don't see it happening, but this is exactly what I did and it wasn't a really hard decision. The great thing is, Diane knew as soon as the invite came that I was going. Military spouses are a different breed all together, but that's an entirely different blog.
So, I got in my car yesterday at 3:30 am and headed on to the open highway. Now, when you're driving by yourself, there is lot's to think about. The first thing I realized is that a dump has a little different odor in the middle of the night than in the day, but in the end, it's still smells like crap. I decided to speed past that place lickety split. Another thing that crept into my head, especially on the county roads before the main highway was, "Man, this is exactly how a slasher flick begins." You see, it was a dark road with only the moonlight. As I rounded a bend, I saw a car parked on the side of the road. As I passed the car, the driver flicked his cigarette out the window, started his car and pulled out right behind me. Not saying I was a little paranoid, but I was the only one on the road and this cat starts following me. A few miles later, he turned right when I had to go left. Whew, that was close!
Of course for the next 8 1/2 hours I listened to tunes, sports talk radio, static and sometimes just the wind rushing outside my window. When I got to the Mojave, I was inspired by nature's canvas. It was truly amazing. All, in all, it was a great drive, but more importantly for a great cause. I realized that my life is great. I know, some of you are thinking, "You didn't know that already?" Yes, Yes, I did, but when you're wrapped in your everyday routine, it's sometimes easy to forget how good you have it. It's takes a one man road trip to reflect on the great family I have, the few very close friends I've made and how lucky I truly am. Now, James, if you're reading this, I'm already planning my next trip as soon as you make Chief. I hear Georgia is a lovely place.

Lost Sleep and Bad Dreams

2010-04-24T05:13:00.000-07:00

I hate when I have dreams that are so real, they make you question reality. They don't happen often, but when they do...crap, the anger is real when I wake up. What is a person to do? Does it happen to you and if so, I would like your story. Here's mine.

Diane just put the girls to bed and was sitting on the love-seat against the wall. I returned earlier in the day from my last trip. We're moving in a few months for probably my last move. We'll see. Anyway, when did the phone ring because Diane was talking to someone. That's odd, no-one really ever calls us at 8:30 pm. Who am I kidding? No one really calls us, period. Well except for Johnny. He called earlier. He's a good dude. But who was Diane talking to? It looked like an intense conversation and then it ended.
"What do you mean you have a son?" It was more of a clinched-jawed yell than a typical question. What the hell was going on?
"He's 17 and he's sick."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the f$^& did you say? He's 17 and sick? What does that mean? What do you mean you have a freakin' son?!"
"Steve, he's sick and needs my help. Is there a way we can get him into Tricare as my son?"
I just got hit in the gut. My night wasn't going as I had planned it. Wait, so many thoughts racing through my mind. A son who was 17. wait, I joined in '93. Holy crap. So much confusion and anger was welling up. I didn't know what to think. If you've ever been hit in the gut, unexpectedly, this is close. Wait, 17? The math was there.
"What do you mean 17. That's when I joined. You never told me? How could you not tell me when we met? We got married..."
"Steve, Steve...
"You never told me!!!"
"Steve...we didn't get married until 97..."
O, that's right. My mind was racing, I had gotten the years mixed up. Who could blame me? Wait something wasn't right. What just happened? She's still not quite right. Son? Tricare insurance. Something was nagging at me and I had to ask.
"Did you cheat on me?" First, a quick glance away and no immediate answer. What the f$%^ was going on? The anger and rage was welling up again. If you thought the news about a son was angering, that was nothing, and my stomach didn't feel right either.
"Well, Diane, I need and answer!!!!"
"You know I di--
"WHAT!" I didn't know, but I suspected. Sometimes people act on suspicions, other times they let it go. There are certain battles you're ready to fight and somethings you let go.
"A few years ago," and it was so serene how she answered. My God, I was losing my mind. What was going on. When, who, did it matter?
"I have to know. Who was it?"
Wait, what's that noise? Oh, it's Diane sleeping. Whoa, why am I still in the same bed as her? There was so much to do. It's what...3:53 am. We're moving. She has to get out of this house. As soon as we move, she is getting her own place and she can take her goddamned cat with her. First things, first. I have to call Larry. I don't know how I will pay them back, but they are flying out here one-way to drive my one car back to Ohio. That way Diane and I can share the driving duties in one car. Nope, not anymore. She can drive one with the cat and I will drive one with the kids. Oh shit, the kids. How do I handle this? Well for now, Diane can sleep in the garage as far as I'm concerned, but she ain't sleeping in this bed anymore. God damned, there is so much to do. I need a lawyer. Wait, she's sleeping now. What is going on? Why am I so freaking angry? My heart is pounding. There is so much to do or is there?
Wow, what a ride. It can't be real and it isn't. Do I wake her and talk to her about what happened last night? I think I'll let her sleep. No use in both of us losing it. Now, I did talk to my wife after all of this. Like me, she doesn't understand where this comes from. Maybe it's a fear of losing her, maybe it's just random nonsense or maybe it's because I watched some crappy TV right before bed and this was way more exciting.

To My Girlfriend

2009-03-27T15:53:00.001-07:00

I knew one day our courtship would end. It's been going on since around 1977. It was the butt of many years of jokes, but I was proud to be your boyfriend. It was a special moniker that only I had. My memory is vague, but this didn't start out as a normal courtship. I was only 6 and as any six year old, I was curious. I didn't quite understand why Grandpa wasn't around. But I knew I would be your boyfriend and fill a big role. Throughout the years, we would visit and you would slip me a few dollars; it was our secret. To pull up to the front of your home, climb the stone steps, walk the sidewalk, be greeted by Hilda and walk the steps to your home. Then to knock on the screen door and walk in to a hug and kiss. It was always a great feeling. I have so many fond memories: the trip down the the grocery store and McDonald's. The thought of walking up that huge hill until one of your friends offered us a ride. The yearly trek to your block parties; they were wonderful. And the advice you gave me when I called you from Italy. I wanted to make halushki and you said, "Saute the cabbage in two sticks of butter - not oleo. Do not use oleo." I listened and my friends and I enjoyed this dish. I could go on, but there isn't enough time or space.

I have to get on a plane tomorrow and come see you. I have to say goodbye, one final time. But I have to believe you are happy now. Grandpa was waiting patiently for 58 years. Now, you're with him. It was my pleasure and honor to be your boyfriend for all these years. I will never let go of the memories I have. I love you, Nana.